Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
