I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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