The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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