I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
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I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
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My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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