she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
