she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just tell him i said nine months
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
