How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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