You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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