these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm getting married
To pizza
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
