If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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