..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
