I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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