I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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