Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe in your delicious
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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