Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
