So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Randomize
