i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
where are you?
Hypothermia
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
