i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....