i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
