the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
