It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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