Pants 0. Shit 1.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
