I think i peed on brittanys purse
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
