On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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