I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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