It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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