She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
