From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
