you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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