I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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