If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
