I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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