I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
