I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
