ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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