Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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