He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize