I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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