cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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