oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
