I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
