Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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