why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
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Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
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Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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