I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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