We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
