I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
