I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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