I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
