i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
