If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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