Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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