I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
