my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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