i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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