As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
dude i'm inner monologue high
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
